Relationship Patterns

I grew up in dysfunction. The only way I found love as a child was through people pleasing. I never received the nurture or care I deserved. I watched my parents domestically abuse each other into a divorce. I watched my mother get taken from me because of drugs, and I was passed around to whomever was stable enough to care for me. Different schools, connections that came and left. I spent my life mentally abused by those I cared for and bullied into believing I was a nobody. Told I would grow up and be a nobody. They weren't completely wrong though. I had given them the power to dominate what I knew was the truth. I was not a victim, I just did not have anyone who could explain what I was experiencing. I did not have the correct example to follow, and I was in no position to take the lead. I did not know that every wound I ended up suppressing would become the foundation to every relationship I experienced as an adult. I did not realize that every single traumatic event experienced acted as a brick in the invisible wall I built around myself. I did not know that what I went through was not normal. So I continued the pattern with every relationship I encountered, platonic or romantic.

At 17 years old, I gave up on life. Everything became too heavy and I quickly slipped away while everyone was starring at me. I became a suicide survivor. I woke up with my mother in tears by my hospital bed and was instantly consumed in shame. I never got the help I truly needed, but I knew that a part of me died that day and that was enough reason to give life a second chance. I finally met new friends. They were never real friends though, just the people you overindulged in substance use with. People that stole from me & slandered my name. I was an easy target, because I had no boundaries. I believed I was worthless, and through those friends I met my ex. My soul was always triggered from the get go by him, but I desired the escape, the identity, the feeling....and he actually was willing to share that with me. I felt like I was finally getting rescued. I had survived for a reason; Love. At the time, I was co dependent to relying on others to tell me who I was, because I had lost myself long before that. Getting into a relationship meant that I could have an identity as a wife and mother. It seemed like the answer to all my desires, but I did it for all the wrong reasons that I really thought were right in the moment.

We spent 10 years together. Some beautiful memories and equally so, some incredible opportunities to learn the truth. We were homeless together, we traveled together, had children together, grew up together, we loved the only way we knew how...& it was extremely toxic. He is not to blame for our failed attempt at love, nor am I. We loved with honest intent, we just did not understand it was not healthy. We both had healing to accomplish within ourselves and we weren't accomplishing that together. We just added to the damage, because we did what hurt people do best; continue the pattern. I began to realize I was waking up in fear. My anxiety was instantly triggered from the moment I woke up. The mental abuse, the physical abuse, the sexual abuse, the belittling language and screaming in front of children... I allowed all of it. In the name of love because that is all I knew. All he knew as well. That was our familiar. It became the most self sabotaging comfort I had ever wrapped myself in. I did not know better at the time and I forgive myself for that. I did the best I could with what I knew.

Outgrowing a toxic blanket of false comfort was one of the most difficult experiences I had to heal from. I used to think I was caught in a revolving door of relationshit mayhem because I practiced these self imprisoning masochist patterns, which created my external template. The real darkness was the emotional greed it took to keep me in a state of sabotage derived by my own lack of accountability. Awakening to that truth ruthlessly exposed my inner child & emotions. I had to spend time getting to know and understand myself. So, I retold the stories I held onto from a more compassionate perspective. I gave myself the space to feel, filter, and process without judgement. I had to be honest that I held myself captive in a limitation mentality, and that way of living made me depressed, anxious, & frivolous within all aspects of my life. It was lunacy poisoned by the illusion of love and codependency.

Everything I had known was a lie. No one had taught me otherwise and so the universe stepped in with beautiful lessons I could learn from myself. The universe heard my cry for help and found opportunities to teach. But, until I was ready to learn, I always felt like it was a personal attack. By switching my practice from destructive to self aware and self accountable, I was able to release the toxic patterns I grew up with. I was able to free myself of the burdens my soul knew I did not have to carry any longer.